How To Not Suck as a Dad

There are plenty of resources out there for parents looking for advice. Tips, secrets, guidelines, simple steps, whatever you want to call them...there's no shortage of places telling you what you can do better.

This humble post is NOT one of them.

I have absolutely no idea how to raise your children: I'm just trying to keep my own daughter from crawling headfirst into a random chasm around the house. You'll never hear me proclaim to be a bad ass dad, because frankly I'm making up this "parenting stuff" as I go along.

But I do know a few surefire things NOT to do.

• DO NOT BLINK
  Close your eyes even for a millisecond and your kid will somehow move to Russia. I can't explain it and modern physics can't defend it, but children are indeed faster than the speed of light. But they only have this super speed when no one is watching.
• DO NOT EAT
  The moment you pick up an eating utensil and aim it at your mouth, your baby/toddler will cry. And not just a normal cry, it's a purple faced, banshee screaming, jealousy rager at the dinner table. But I can see why. They are forced to swallow regurgitated pea mush while I devour this delicious whole T-bone steak. That leads me to a secondary lesson...DO NOT PUT T-BONE STEAK IN THE BLENDER.
• DO NOT MISTAKE SILENCE FOR PEACE
  More than likely, something is frantically wrong when a full house falls silent. You might be tempted to breath a sigh of relief when you don't have an earfull of chaos, but you should probably check on the mini humans. They're either doing something incredibly lawless, passed out willingly or unwillingly, or perhaps exited the geographic area.
• DO NOT GIVE YOUR CHILD COCAINE OR A TIGER
  Seriously, don't do it.