6 Things I Miss About Being Childless

Don't take the rest of this post the wrong way, I love my daughter. I can't even imagine my life without her.

She's my heart, my happiness and there's nothing I would change, even if I could. She's made me a better man, just by being born.

But being a parent is hard damn work. And sometimes I think back to when everything was a little easier, a little lazier. So here is my list of things I miss about the era before the mini human.

1. Peace and Quiet

Remember when you could hear yourself think? Yeah, those were the times.
Anlee hasn't piped down since the first day she heard herself squeak. And why would she? She's got an angelic voice. But when angels start teething, you'll want earplugs. I now cherish the times in my car on the way to work because....shh.

2. Doing What I Want, When I Want

While this kind of went away when I got married, the handcuffs really tightened with the destroyer of diapers. No more partying, no more late night runs to Taco Bell, no more spur of the moment trips to a Cardinals game. Once upon a time, I had a whimsy...now I'm a wimp, bullied by a baby.

3. Sleep

I really don't have to explain this one do I?

4. Hanging Out with Friends

I wasn't Charlie Murphy or Van Halen, but there were a few people in my entourage before I fathered a child. Today, I've pretty much stopped meeting fully-grown people face to face. Seeing my friends now requires some kind of life event: weddings, births, fantasy football drafts, etc.

5. Using My Brain

Something crazy happens when you become a parent, YOU LOSE YOUR EFFING MIND. (Get it, something crazy? Punny funny) Like you can't even finish a thought without another one running into it. (Just like that previous sentence...I think.) With so much to do, so much to worry about, you're always forgetting something. I still haven't found my left shoe I left on top of the car three months ago, but the hot dog had great arch support.

6. No Cargo

Packing for a weekend road trip before the baby:
- Clothes (one extra T-shirt)...check
- Wallet...check
- Deodorant...questionable
That's it. That's all a dude needs.

Now that we've got an extra life form that needs help eating, playing, sleeping, burping, more freight is required for any venture out of the house. As I covered in my last post "Uh, What Did I Just Say?...#1", we pack enough shit to survive the zombie apocalypse.   

What do you miss most about the time before you had children? Has it changed over the years? Leave a comment below!

Uh, What Did I Just Say?...#1

"Hold on, let me get the can of tuna out of my pocket first."

We've all been there: trying to carry too much, not enough hands.

As a new parent it just gets worse. It's become a "manhood challenge" for me to bring everything in one haul. I feel like a pack mule lugging around a diaper bag, car seat, unused pacifiers, baby food, discarded or soiled articles of clothing, misplaced shoes, plus my own necessities.

So I have to get creative. Every available pocket or vice-like body joint (armpit, elbow, neck, mouth are all awkward, but functional cargo clinchers) has to be used. Last night, I needed to bring in a wayward can of tuna from grocery shopping, so I popped it in my jean's back pocket. I'm just glad I remembered to get it out before it ended up as tuna casserole in the laundry...

my ramble

we all ramble in confusion we put question marks where there should be exclamation points we forget to put in commas when we know theres a pause we dont put an apostrophe a hyphen a backslash a parentheses to combine thoughts letters words phrases sentences
i see life as a mixture of thoughts i see time as continuous words my mistakes underlined my triumphs are in bold ill even insert a colon right parenthesis when im smiling everything around me is just jibberish but i can make sense of it all if i just put in the grammar i learned way back when i was learning when i put a question mark after everything ?
my existence is a sentence seperated by commas, those are my pauses in which i learn, maybe a new step in my journey, something that will keep me moving on, but right now im just stepping back to admire what ive done since the last comma, hoping to do it right before i get to the next comma, but something special always happens inbetween and i add something new to the list, new people, new places, new surprises, new lessons,
i'll put apostrophes in to combine my thoughts my beliefs my faith i've taken what's been taught by my parents my family my childhood i've added what's been given by my friends my teachers my people i'll drop i'll let go of the mistakes i've made but learned so much through and then i'm making a better word a better world never wondering what could'a would'a should'a
I might capatalize things that are Important to Me Good Times and Bad Times stand out but for some reason the inbetween just all seems to run together and fades into the backround My Love My Passions My Obsessions will Always be larger than i realize My Heart may not be able to take it worries pain failure let me down but what will always keep me up is my FAITH
I'm tempted to put in periods to end my statements, my sentence, my life, but I can't because it's not time yet, my existence hasn't been declared over, done, finished, I've still got time to do what I want with this statement, this sentence, this life, i don't want to grasp it all yet
i just ramble in confusion admiring the wonderful mess not worrying about making sense i just dont want this sentence to end

Note: I wrote this back in college (in 2006). It's amazing how my viewpoints have changed and remained all at the same time. Obviously, I'm still rambling...

SLEEP! By Any Means Necessary.

SLEEP
By any means necessary.

Seriously, parents. Figure out how to do it every friggin’ chance you can get. Become a ninja of the not-so-martial-art of naps. Because when you’ve gone without it for long enough, it’s the most addictive thing ever. Shopping? Haha! Sex? Pfffft! Breathing? Okay, you get the idea.

I found this post on How to Be a Dad blog and thought it was hilarious. It also made me cry...I'm sleep deprived. 

We're currently going through a phase where our 9-month-old can't, or won't, sleep through the night no matter what we do. She loves 4 a.m. I hate it.  

This is Why Babies Are Always Hungry...

Found this on the Funny Photos of the Day at Mandatory.com

The Juggle Struggle and One-Legged Giraffes

You know how to juggle.

Whether you know it or not, you know how to juggle. Now some of us are more clumsy than a one-legged giraffe trying to stand on marbles, but juggling is still in our nature.

Every person has a lot going on in their lives: work, home life, friends, bills, laundry, bat trapping, the list goes on and on. So we throw all these balls up in the air and pass them from hand to hand, trying to keep the whole rotation going.

But occasionally, we get unbalanced. One ball becomes heavier than the others and messes up our groove. Most of the time for me, it's work. I get bogged down with too much worry, too much time trying to accomplish too much. When that happens, I drop the ball on other aspects in my world and my home life suffers, I don't smile as much and I'm generally an old cranky man standing at his screen door yelling at young whippernsappers to get out of my yard. 

So what can I do about it? Let go and move on.

Sure, work might be weighing on me but making my baby girl giggle will lighten the load. Then move on to the next juggling ball. 

Learning to forget worry is the hardest lesson I've encountered since high school Trigonometry...but it's the most rewarding.

Holding onto concern and uncertainty is like throwing a bowling ball in your ping pong ball juggling act. Get rid of it and you won't get hit by that flaming bowling pin coming up next!

Facebook for Toddlers...funny stuff

This awesomness is courtesy of @robfee on Twitter.
Really, there's quite a bit to compare vs. adults on Facebook...same drama just different topics.