7 Stages of an Angry Baby

 1. OLD MAN FACE: You've all seen it, that little scrunched up nose, furrowed brow and heavy frown. Just like a dark cloud in the distance, you know the storm is coming. Whether it hits in 60 seconds or 60 minutes...you can't really tell yet.

2. FIDGETY: The baby starts making some unusual sounds. Grunts, squeaks, farts, maybe a bellow or two. And there's an unprovoked amount of movement a.k.a "Ants in your Pants." Arm stretching, leg kicking, heavy metal band head banging, baby is getting frustrated and uncomfortable. This is the breaking point of the adventure: the miniature human doesn't want to be where it's at and unless you do something now, it's gonna get worse.

3. FUSSY: The battle is being lost. The baby won't comply to your "ssshhh's", won't take its pacifier and may have unloaded a brown bomb in its diaper. The grunts become growls, the squeaks become hisses and the baby is doing the Harlem Shake...moving all limbs and appendages uncontrollably. You may think you've found a reason behind the madness, but in all likeliness, you're wronger than a destination wedding for Mr. Bean and Miley Cyrus.

4. CRYING: Baby has lost patience and it's time to vocalize. Whimpers are for wimps, now the baby has to let the world know about this mood swing. Shiny objects won't distract the little one, you've got to do something drastic to calm the storm. If you haven't checked the diaper, do it now. If you haven't fed it in two moons, do it now. If you haven't burped it with a strong congratulatory pat on the back, do it now. If you're in public, get somewhere private immediately or you will be loathed and reviled by all others in your geographic area. There is no sympathy to be found: not from the pint-size provocateur and definitely not from strangers who have to listen to a wailing wolverine.

5. SHRIEKING: Baby's crying has climbed an octave and four-score decibels. If the infant could use words, they would be four-letter words. Baby's eyes turn into Niagara Falls and baby's nose becomes a stringy snot geyser. No matter what you do, you can't seem to dampen the temper tantrum. It's like trying to outrun the giant boulder in the Temple of Doom. You start to contemplate your life in an emotional, philosophical and spiritual way.

6. GRIMACE MONSTER: Baby is so hostile, yells so long and so loud it forgets to breath. The color of baby's face turns from red to purple...like McDonaldland's Grimace. The baby is hurling expletives at you in all kinds of ways you can't comprehend. The cute monster is shaking violently because it wants to punch you but doesn't have the dexterity to do so. What can you do? Apologize...see it that helps.

7. RAGER: Chaos. Baby intensity off the Richter scale. The baby shows strength it shouldn't have until it hits a mid-life crisis. You may have put up a spirited fight, but this little avenger is in Hulk Smash mode. This adventure can end with the following possibilities:

• The baby unleashes a fountain from one or all of its orifices...long held dormant like a volcano
• You, not the baby, curled up in the fetal position uncontrollably sobbing
• The baby drinks a gallon of milk, but requires 2% almond milk
• You search eBay for a tiny straight-jacket     
• Baby lives so long in defiance, its first words form the Braveheart speech: "Our enemies may take our lives...but they'll never take OUR FREEDOM!" Note: This angry blog just may explain the life of Mel Gibson.