7 Stages of an Angry Baby

 1. OLD MAN FACE: You've all seen it, that little scrunched up nose, furrowed brow and heavy frown. Just like a dark cloud in the distance, you know the storm is coming. Whether it hits in 60 seconds or 60 minutes...you can't really tell yet.

2. FIDGETY: The baby starts making some unusual sounds. Grunts, squeaks, farts, maybe a bellow or two. And there's an unprovoked amount of movement a.k.a "Ants in your Pants." Arm stretching, leg kicking, heavy metal band head banging, baby is getting frustrated and uncomfortable. This is the breaking point of the adventure: the miniature human doesn't want to be where it's at and unless you do something now, it's gonna get worse.

3. FUSSY: The battle is being lost. The baby won't comply to your "ssshhh's", won't take its pacifier and may have unloaded a brown bomb in its diaper. The grunts become growls, the squeaks become hisses and the baby is doing the Harlem Shake...moving all limbs and appendages uncontrollably. You may think you've found a reason behind the madness, but in all likeliness, you're wronger than a destination wedding for Mr. Bean and Miley Cyrus.

4. CRYING: Baby has lost patience and it's time to vocalize. Whimpers are for wimps, now the baby has to let the world know about this mood swing. Shiny objects won't distract the little one, you've got to do something drastic to calm the storm. If you haven't checked the diaper, do it now. If you haven't fed it in two moons, do it now. If you haven't burped it with a strong congratulatory pat on the back, do it now. If you're in public, get somewhere private immediately or you will be loathed and reviled by all others in your geographic area. There is no sympathy to be found: not from the pint-size provocateur and definitely not from strangers who have to listen to a wailing wolverine.

5. SHRIEKING: Baby's crying has climbed an octave and four-score decibels. If the infant could use words, they would be four-letter words. Baby's eyes turn into Niagara Falls and baby's nose becomes a stringy snot geyser. No matter what you do, you can't seem to dampen the temper tantrum. It's like trying to outrun the giant boulder in the Temple of Doom. You start to contemplate your life in an emotional, philosophical and spiritual way.

6. GRIMACE MONSTER: Baby is so hostile, yells so long and so loud it forgets to breath. The color of baby's face turns from red to purple...like McDonaldland's Grimace. The baby is hurling expletives at you in all kinds of ways you can't comprehend. The cute monster is shaking violently because it wants to punch you but doesn't have the dexterity to do so. What can you do? Apologize...see it that helps.

7. RAGER: Chaos. Baby intensity off the Richter scale. The baby shows strength it shouldn't have until it hits a mid-life crisis. You may have put up a spirited fight, but this little avenger is in Hulk Smash mode. This adventure can end with the following possibilities:

• The baby unleashes a fountain from one or all of its orifices...long held dormant like a volcano
• You, not the baby, curled up in the fetal position uncontrollably sobbing
• The baby drinks a gallon of milk, but requires 2% almond milk
• You search eBay for a tiny straight-jacket     
• Baby lives so long in defiance, its first words form the Braveheart speech: "Our enemies may take our lives...but they'll never take OUR FREEDOM!" Note: This angry blog just may explain the life of Mel Gibson.

New Parents' First Date aka "The Getaway"

As with everything you're not used to...it can take a while getting used to. As a new dad, I'm not accustomed to a long list of things: changing diapers, waking up in the middle of night just to say "shh", various liquids dispersed in a myriad of ways, smells I can't place, holding a human for long periods of time, staying inside like a hermit, etc. So every now and then, it's good to take a break from the unknown and find solace in something you do know.

For me and my wife, we watch movies. Unlike tennis or video games, it's something we've always enjoyed doing together ever since our first date. (We saw "Jumper", which wasn't a great start but we made the best of it) We get to escape reality and just enjoy a story featuring someone else who's not us.

So this past Saturday, after dedicating 504 hours straight to caring for the baby, my wife got a chance to get out of the house and be with her sexiest man alive. We had our first date since Anlee was born. My mother-in-law thankfully babysat and we hit the town.

Now this wasn't a huge romantic gesture: it was just a matinee movie ("Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit" was ok) and lunch at Texas Roadhouse. Hell, we even made a short stop at Walmart. But this trip enabled us to getaway and just be us for a little while. Even though most of our conversations were about our new baby, there was still a familiarity with the date itself. It was nice to relax and just enjoy each other.

That's one thing I read everywhere, hear from all the parenting experts...take some time to enjoy your partner. I recommend it, but don't think you'll spend too much time staring lovingly into each other's eyes. My wife and I both had withdrawls of holding our baby by the time our four hour getaway came to it's end. Even though you soak up every minute alone, there's no getting around it...you're hooked on poopy diapers.            

The First Week Home

The time spent at the hospital with your newborn is all a blur. Emotions, pain, sleep deprivation, paternal cluelessness, hospital staff, family, friends, ER strangers who smell baby, all create a whirlwind of activity your first 48 hours. It's nice to have all the doctors and nurses waiting on you hand and foot, teaching you about caring for your new creature and having the nursery as a 24/7 babysitter when you can't stand the crying anymore. But the strange comfort ends when you take the baby home.

Thankfully, I was able to take a whole week off work to stay home with mom and baby. And I'm so glad I did. Anlee didn't sleep much the first two nights, so it took a lot of tired gumption for these two new parents to work through. Besides learning how to speed swaddle and hold your breath while diaper changing, supporting your partner is the biggest priority for a new dad.

If your baby is breastfeeding, moms have to feed the baby once every 2-3 hours in the first two weeks...think about that. That's potentially 168 feedings around the clock! Tired or hungry, sick or sick of baby, moms sacrifice, giving up their bodies and own well being to keep their baby healthy and satisfied. So dads: what do you do?

Since my mother-in-law already had cooking and cleaning taken care of (she also stayed with us the first two weeks), I took on the task of diaper changing and feed timing. I went from never changing a diaper in my life to unnervingly comfortable with green-yellow stinky slime in just a few days. And to track all the pees, poops, breast feedings and bottle feedings, we found a great free smartphone app (Feed Baby, which I highly recommend). So my duty was to record the doody diapers and time the feedings night and day. I got up with Jesse every time she fed Anlee, gave updates on the clock and sometimes just chatted...anything just to show new mom she wasn't alone and I had her back.

We didn't get to spend all the time sitting around the house, because Anlee had high bilirubin levels with a concern of jaundice. So we had to make runs to the clinic to get her foot poked, blood drawn and screams tested. By Day 6, her levels finally went down and she had gotten rid of her banana complexion.

In the first week we learned a lot about our daughter:

Anlee likes

• Sleeping (I hear newborns do this a lot)
• Eating (sometimes she would "snack" every hour, much to sore mommy's dismay)
• Car rides (snug in her carseat)
• Sitting up (so she can see the world)
• Piano lullabies (CD we play at bedtime)

Anlee dislikes

• Getting her diaper changed (shrills like a banshee)
• Taking a bath (if a banshee had a gallstone and a megaphone, it might sound like her)
• Lotion massages (sensing a theme of being naked)
• Socks (she always kicked them off)
• Nich Lachey lullabies (CD we tried to play at bedtime: if a banshee had laryngitis...)

  

Love at First Sight

There are no words to describe the overwhelming emotions when parents first see their newborn...none. Unspeakable joy is about the only thing comprehensively comparable, but in the delivery room, you're still making squeaks and "aahhs" because you don't know what to say. You've waited so long to see this great gift of life that's been hidden from your sight. Now it's real, it's tangible and you try so hard to soak it all in.

My Anlee Ray was born at 6:56 p.m. after a relatively short labor. My wife, Jesse, woke up at 2 a.m. with some contractions that progressively got worse throughout the day. We were hosting a family Christmas at our house that Saturday: so we opened presents that morning, barely got through the big ham lunch, but by the time 2 p.m. rolled around, the contractions had got within 3 minutes of each other and we decided to head into the hospital. Jesse was a trooper and pushed, pushed and pushed through unbearable back pains to finally get to the glorious moment of seeing Anlee for the first time.

She was purple, slimy and crying...but that didn't matter to us. She was beautiful. A rush of emotions flooded over her mommy and I. Now I'm a man's man, strong willed and prideful, but I sobbed like a lost puppy with a cold. I couldn't help it...I could finally see my baby daughter. It was love at first sight.

I didn't expect to cut the umbilical cord, but the nurses just handed me the scissors said "cut here" and I followed orders. Now I'm glad I did, as it's just another memory that I can recall on her birth day.

After all the initial emotions finally receded, things got real. Now I have a new baby daughter, am I really ready to be a father? What do I do next? What's that strange ooze coming from her eye? Why is she crying? I've never even changed a diaper! Over the next few days...I'd learn and have to learn quick. It's sink or swim time, and this kid deserves Michael Phelps, before the bong hits.